Lost mojo and sleep

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Hi I am a recovering stroke victim, no survivor and l can't sleep. My stroke was a year ago and from that day I fought to be me and regain all my lost mobility and umph. I do have my mobility and a good life but it's me that's the problem.
I was ,no am an artist but i've lost my urge and passion to create! I have tried sampling all avenues of art and talked to artists country wide. But I'm not me the old me is hiding. Originally this pursuit was slow and no panic now it's a new loss to grieve over until I find myself.
So to sleep...after my stroke I would always wake at the same time it happened but it passed now a year on it has returned and once again I wake at that time, although I've hidden all the clocks. Any sleep advice gratefully appreciated and mojo jump leads ditto!

Dear Grovegirl
Sorry to learn of your stroke and welcome to this forum.
You have done so well to be mobile in a year. Do keep at the physio. I stopped too soon and it came back to bite me.
However, the difficult part is the mental or cognitive stuff. I have worked away at a sleep pattern. For me I need 7.5hrs sleep and I am inclined to fall asleep at 11.30pm. So I push myself to go to bed at 11.20. Persistence has worked quite well and I awake at about 7am. But its not always successful so I just try and try again. I get night terrors which knock me off course, but I just keep trying. It eases over time. Last sunday I awoke and for the first time since stroke (two years) I didn't think about the day I had a stroke. Which is nice. The problem has eased as the months tick by. I sleep in the same bed and I was bitten during sleep, so awaking is a bit pertinent
I am sure you know that no two strokes are the same. Maybe your old self will come out of hiding. But for me and many others the old self has gone. And will not return. We have a new self and getting used to that is the hardest part of stroke recovery. It is such a pain trying to fit in to society. It is OK with people who I met since stroke, but friends and family are just impossible. I am not the same person and no amount of effort will change that. I feel most comfortable when with other SS. We should all live together in a commune.
To illustrate the change, I was an FCA with specialist knowledge of personal tax and pensions. So I helped others a lot of the time. I now cant do my own tax let alone advise others. I now make the tea and serve at tables. Nothing wrong with that, but it is such a big change. And I had to work hard at the tea making. My memory has gone AWOL so notes are necessary.
Many of us are musicians, accountants or artistic. Not sure what that means !
So maybe you might like to fathom just what you can do and work from that point. The new self might be better than the old. For some, ability surfaces that wasn't there before stroke.
It helps to remind ourselves that we have survived when many do not. So we are all a bit special,
Best wishes
Colin

Hi Grovegirl, I am sorry for anyone who has had a stroke, but From the moment it happened I refused to see myself as a victim. I have also accepted that elements of the old ‘ne’ Have gone. My sleep pattern has improved, but sometimes a couple of Kalms help. Like Colin, stay up till about 11.30pm and this means I sleep quite well. I also sleep better at this time of year when mornings are darker.

Unlike you, when I cam home, I became quite creative. Because my world had shrunk, I decided to write daily poems to reflect both my mood and what I saw in my new ‘little’ world. I wrote them in haiku form and found the discipline of the syllable count help. I kept this up for a year.

I hope you recover both your creativity and as much of your mojo as possible.

I wrote this a year ago, when I was 10 months post stroke:

Morning walk: misty,
Autumn's ghost in her grey shroud
Walks the cricket ground.

The damp air is moist
And scarcely anything stirs
On this dull morning..

Only schoolchildren
Are making their presence felt
Schoolbound on scooters.

Mums trail behind them
As, laughing, they scoot forward
Towards the school gates.

The silence returns,
And the mistiness increased,
The silence deepens.

Thank you both for the swift replies. Your words have helped and Impowered me to hold firm and keep fighting. I had little help after my stroke a saw this as a badge of honour to fight unaided. Now I have found this page and others of us, the survivors I feel connected and supported. So thanks again.

Someone recently told me we should be kind to ones self and love yourself without judgement!

Dear Grovegirl
Your determination has undoubtedly aided you to make a speedier and more full recovery.
The NHS just can not cope with help for stroke survivors. Also there is so little known about our injuries. The stroke association booklets are worthwhile but beyond that, I have had so much help and comfort from this forum.
When I eventually got well enough to travel to the local stroke group, I found them to be a huge help. Do give the stroke groups a try. Maybe not for everyone but I certainly benefited. Your GP surgery will have details of local groups. The receptionist will help, no need for a GP.
You do not have to be alone.
Colin

Like ColinDFox above I refused to act like a victim and I was confused by what had happened and the after effects. I got angry. There has always been a battle between the winging sack of chemicals, my body, and my will, the one not wanting to do what the other told it. This was a continuation. When I had recovered sufficient mobility, although I still had a tendency to veer to the left, I took two months out on my own, much to my doctors amazement, and went walking in Spain. The walk has become a blur but solved the veering about and allowed me space to come to terms with an altered me. No I have not returned to who I was but I have evolved and am more at peace with who I am now.

Today I have a new list to write, Kalms for my sleep, finding my local support group and walking to around Spain. The first two I think l can manage but Spain will have to wait although as I turn 60 next month I shall put this on my wish list!
It is heart warming that you have all found ways to move forward and seem to have made peace with the new you. I feel I to shall get there in time and feel more reassured that it will happen. Today I attended a Pilates class to help with the left side weakness and kicking myself when tired. As you can imagine it was tough and I did wobble and fall but so many others had trouble that I didn't feel to bad. I will keep going back because the stubborn person I have become won't give up that easily. Thanks again guys!

Go for it girl, you're not too old and doing OK. We all have to find our own path, which is a bit Zen, but not intentionally. By the way I was 60 plus when it happened and when I walked, you just start slowly and get slower!

Deborah, Don't apologise for being stubborn on this forum. We are all in the same boat, it is refusal to accept failure that makes us look for solutions for our problems. It is important to recognise when people are offering you answers but I can understand you deferring the decision to go on a solo walking tour of Spain. Initially my right hand was too weak to hold a plectrum for guitar playing. I realised that the desk exercises were not going to be enough and needed to strengthen the arm and shoulder muscles. I bought a pack of 4" nails and every day would hammer four of them into a piece of wood in the garden. The first time it took 52 blows (including a few complete misses) to sink a nail. Eventually I got it down to 8!
Deigh

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